I Don't Know How To Tell You
by Indy Organa
Summary: During Two Stories, there's more to Cuddy's behaviour than simple frustration. And it could have a lasting impact on her and House. One-shot.


Author's Note- Hi everyone, thanks for taking a peek at my first piece for the House fandom (better late than never, right?). I'd quickly like to thank everyone on Tumblr who read this story as I pieced it together, and gave me such amazing feedback. I'd also love more feedback in the form of reviews!

For context, this fic starts during in the final scene in Two Stories, S07 E13

 _House?_

 _Yeah?_

 _Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?_

Once he'd left her office and let the french door close behind him Cuddy buried her face in her hands. She'd really screwed up this time.

It wasn't really about the toothbrush, or the garbage, or the toilet seat.

It was about her period which was now pushing two weeks late.

It was about the nausea she felt creeping in every morning.

It was about the pregnancy test under the sink she was scared to take.

And most of all, it was about how afraid she was to talk to House- and how he would react.

They'd never really discussed it, but she knew children weren't a part of his plan. And certainly not after mere months in his first serious long-term relationship in nearly a decade.

The files on her desk were forgotten as she tried to gather her swirling thoughts, tried to organise them and get a handle on this whole situation.

Firstly, she told herself, odds are she wasn't even pregnant. Before Rachel she'd struggled to conceive with IVF, and even when it had taken she'd lost the pregnancy. The chances of her naturally conceiving, let alone carrying to term, were beyond slim.

And yet, she felt a glimmer of hope. A seed of thought about what could be.

But so much of it depended on House, and his response, when she would break the news to him after dinner that evening.

And before that, she couldn't allow herself to be distracted from the ever-present pile of work on her desk. Her hopes and fears would have to wait until she could head home for evening.

It wasn't until the drive home that she started even thinking about what to say, how to say it. How do you tell your boyfriend that instead of confiding in him you fought him? That you're so afraid of his reaction that you tried to pre-empt it by pushing him away? Cuddy shook her head at herself, at her behaviour over the previous days.

She should give House more of a chance. Yes he could be impossible to live with, and completely mishandle emotional situations, but he could also be sweet and caring, in his own unique way. Hell, he'd just gotten himself into a fresh batch of hot water purely to try and get Rachel into the pre-school Cuddy had her heart set on. The House she knew before this relationship would have done nothing of the sort.

So why was she now completely doubting him, and expecting him to run?

By the time she pulled into her driveway she was no closer to an answer, and significantly more stressed. She'd decided that after dinner, once Rachel was in bed, she would just face the truth head on, with House, and whatever the outcome, she'd have to live with it. There was really nothing more to it.

House arrived just as she was getting ready to dish up the meal, by which point she was half expecting him to have decided he'd had enough of her snapping at him and just headed to his apartment for an evening alone. To be honest she wouldn't have blamed him, but it was reassuring nonetheless to hear his uneven footsteps coming down the hall.

It was obvious Rachel had missed him, as she twisted around in her highchair with a toothy grin on her face watching him come through the doorway. Cuddy felt her stomach tighten with anxiety as he smiled at Rachel and lowered himself into a chair at the table.

"Smells good" was all he said by way of greeting, and already Cuddy knew she was facing an uphill battle. She dished up the meal in silence, bought it over to the table, and busied herself with feeding Rachel.

As they made small talk over dinner, Cuddy felt as if she eaten a bowl of rocks instead of soup. She felt heavy with worry, about how to tell House… oh god…he might be a father. She thought back to their last fight, after she'd tentatively asked him if he would be Rachel's guardian if something happened to her. He'd said, verbatim, that he wasn't "father of year material". The determination she felt earlier in the day was rapidly slipping away as she watched House across the table.

And as much as she tried to hide it, House could tell there was something on her mind. His brain went into overdrive trying to figure out what was happening with her…surely she wasn't still carrying her anger over his slobbish behaviour? He started to worry that there was something seriously wrong- but was it with Cuddy or their relationship? He couldn't meet her eyes across the table as he started thinking this could be their last evening together, thinking about how badly he'd screwed up.

By the time the three of them finished eating Rachel had picked up on the tension between her mother and House, and was feeding off it throughout her bath time and whilst Cuddy read her a story. She was clingy and crying, not wanting to go to sleep and be without her mother. Finally getting Rachel to sleep after lying with her in bed, Cuddy slowly made her way into the lounge to find House settled in for the evening, feet on the coffee table with a beer in hand.

She stopped in the doorway, watching him as he flipped between channels. She was so tense she felt nauseous, and suddenly felt like she couldn't do it, she couldn't tell House. Why risk the reaction she was so afraid of when she didn't even know for sure?

Swallowing the lump in her throat she made her way to the couch and sat in her usual spot next to House. Without taking his eyes off the tv he put an arm out for her to snuggle in next to him. She buried her face into his chest, softly breathing into the warm cotton of his t-shirt, afraid to look up and meet his eyes, because she knew the second she did he would know, and there would be no going back.

Finally settling on a show she felt House relax beneath her, the only movement coming when he occasionally sipped his beer. During the first commercial break he moved her to lean forward and put the empty bottle on the coffee table. Still feeling how tense Cuddy was against him, he settled back into the couch with a heavy sigh.

"You gonna tell me what's going on?"

Cuddy froze, her face still against his chest, until House lifted her shoulders to bring her eye to eye with him.

"What do you mean? I thought we were ok" She still avoided meeting his gaze, praying that he's not reading her tell. "Nothing's going on"

House's eyes searched her face, and she could tell that for once he was ready to be open, to hear whatever she had to say, despite how much it scared him.

"Come on Cuddy. I know you. This more than your usual stressed tension. What's going on?"

"Nothing, House. I'm fine. I'm still just a little frustrated that you never seem to lift a finger around here."

He sighed again. "I'm here aren't I? Despite you pushing and prodding me for days, I'm here. Am I going to suddenly be a model house-husband? No. You know I'm a slob, usually because I have more important things to do- like save lives. Forgive me for not taking time out of my busy schedule to wipe up a bit of toothpaste."

"That's not the point House! How am I supposed to rely on you for the big things if you won't even take the garbage out? How can I expect you to help me parent if you won't even show me the slightest consideration for my needs?"

House tensed at that, and she knew he'd caught her slip. _Help me parent._

"Is this about Rachel again? We've discussed this, I'm just not…I'm not that kind of guy, I don't know if I ever will be…" He looked down at her curled against him- he could almost feel the nervous energy emanating from her.

"It's not about Rachel" her response was spoken into his chest, so muffled he barely understood her.

"Tell me." He had that commanding tone to his voice, one that he so rarely used with her. "Cuddy…"

She knew she couldn't hide it any longer, this was the moment of truth. No more anger, no more deflection. Cuddy unravelled herself from his embrace, sitting upright next to him. She looked at the floor as she ran a hand nervously through her hair. In the edge of her vision she saw House tense up as he realised this was more than some minor issue, that this was more than a used napkin on the bench or an unmade bed. It was even more than the night she'd asked if he would become Rachel's guardian…and that had been a disaster. She could see him physically brace himself for what was coming.

"House…" she hesitates, unsure if she can actually say the words out loud, if she can actually make this real.

She can see the tension in his face, but he doesn't interrupt, just waits for her to continue.

"House…I'm late. It could be stress, I mean its happened before, but…I've been feeling off and…"

Now the words were out she couldn't stop. She sees his eyes widen.

"House…I think I'm pregnant"

He looks utterly stunned and for once in his life completely speechless. With every second that passes without a response Cuddy feels her stomach drop.

"Wow" is finally all he says.

"Wow?" she queries back, unable to read his expression, still afraid of his reaction.

"Yeah wow" He laughs a little, running a hand through his hair. "This is….just….how long have you suspected?"

"Only a few days…I haven't actually taken a test yet"

"Do you have one? Like, how ready are you to know? How sure are you?" Suddenly the diagnostician was back, wanting to lay this all out and sort through it.

"I…I bought one yesterday, after I realised how late I am. I honestly don't know, this is so unexpected, I…I don't know how to feel." She took a deep breath, ready to lay it all on the line. "I'm scared. I lashed out at you over stupid things, such little things, because I honestly don't know how to react. I didn't think this could even happen, really, what with my history…and I know children aren't on your radar, I mean I feel like Rachel is more than you can handle, let alone a baby…Christ House, a _baby_. Our baby…"

House was now staring at the ground, the gravity of the situation really sinking in. As Cuddy finally trailed off, he took her hand.

"I know, it's a lot to take in. To be honest I don't actually know how I feel about this. I've never even considered having children…and I think I need time to process." He sighed again. "Plus, I hate to be a downer here, but we don't even know for sure. Are you ready to take the test?"

Cuddy realised how scared she was. Positive, and she was joined with House forever…providing she carried to term, of course. Negative, and her dreams of a little baby with dark curls and bright blue eyes were gone…probably forever. Either way, she was terrified.

"In the morning," she finally responded, her voice barely above a whisper, "you know they're more accurate then."

House nodded. "Just make sure you wake me when you get up- I want to know too. Now come on, stop stressing until then, watch the movie." She snuggled back into his side and started at the tv, trying to silence the thoughts in her head.

Later in bed, as they lay entwined in the dark, House could feel Cuddy lying awake, her muscles still tense and her breathing shallow. He knew she would be struggling to sleep, not that he was finding it easy himself.

"Cuddy, come on" he whispered into her hair, hoping his soft tone would help her relax. "You need to sleep."

She snuggled closer to him, squeezing her eyes shut. There was no way she could relax with the millions of thoughts still racing through her mind.

"I'm just…I'm so scared House. No matter what the outcome in the morning, I'm scared."

House traced his fingers along her spine as he stared into the darkness. He knew this conversation was coming, that there was no way it was over earlier, but he still didn't know how to react, or how he truly felt- he thought about that evening, their conversation on the couch, and decided that maybe he should stick with the whole 'open and honest' thing.

"Me too. This is…this is huge…but we still don't even know."

He felt her breath hitch, and realised she was holding back tears. His hand stopped moving up and down her back as he wrapped an arm tightly around her.

"Come on Cuddy, talk to me."

"I…I just…I know you're confused, but…I've wanted this for so long, so badly. I know I have Rachel, and I love her but…God, House, you have no idea how long I've dreamed of this, and what I've been through." Her tears were starting to soak through his tee, but he knew to just let her talk. "I mean, you knew about the IVF, but didn't you ever wonder why I stopped? You gave me so much crap for giving up, but did you ever think to ask why? You were the only one who knew, but it seemed like you didn't care."

House thought back, and remembered what an idiot he was. He'd never stopped caring, in fact he'd cared too much. He was hurt that she was choosing idiotic donors instead of him, he was wounded by the fact that she wouldn't come to him, she couldn't even ask.

"I did care Cuddy, I just…I was hurt. It hurt to see you choosing such morons as potential donors, it hurt to have me help you, but not in the way I wanted. I gave up because I realised you would never see me that way."

"I tried House. That day, when I came into your office to thank you…I was ready to ask you. I'd spent the afternoon psyching myself up. But when I was there, face to face with you, I just…I couldn't. I don't know why, and I hated myself. And then I lost the pregnancy, and I gave up. When I think back a tiny part of me is happy I didn't ask you, because losing the baby was hard enough- but losing _your_ baby? That would have devastated me." Her breathing had slowed even as she sobbed gently, "And that's why I'm scared now. It took me three tries to fall pregnant before, and I lost it. What if I lose this baby? I'd never forgive myself…what if it destroys us? I couldn't live with that, knowing I failed…" She felt the tears come then, hot and fast.

House had no words. He'd figured she'd just decided that the IVF had run its course and she'd switched to trying to adopt, he had no idea she'd miscarried- and he'd been such a jerk to her the whole time…he felt terrible. He rolled over slightly to hug Cuddy tighter, rubbing her back to soothe her as she cried.

Eventually she drifted into a restless sleep, her head pillowed on his chest. House lay awake, staring in the darkness, still trying to process the news from this evening.

Cuddy. Pregnant. With his child.

He was lost. She was right, children had never been a part of his plan. Even with Stacy, the only woman he'd ever actually considered a family with, they'd both agreed that children were not for them. But with Cuddy? He'd gone into this accepting she had Rachel, and making the best of it, but for them to have a baby? Insanity.

Deep down, he knew her fears were justified. Struggling to conceive and losing the foetus early on was not a good precedent. If the test in the morning was positive he knew she'd be terrified of something going wrong, and he'd have to be there to offer constant reassurance- something he wasn't sure he could provide.

And more than that, she'd probably end up on bed rest, possibly even admitted…leaving him to care for Rachel and Cuddy full time whilst still working, something he thought he'd never have to deal with. And honestly, he wasn't sure he could.

But then…House found himself smiling as he thought of the moments after the birth, Cuddy glowing as she holds a tiny baby. The baby she's dreamed of for years. A baby with a head of dark hair and inquisitive blue eyes. _Their baby._

Maybe he could do this.

Cuddy was woken by the sunlight streaming through the window, although her throat and eyes hurt and she felt like she'd barely slept.

She also felt sick as she thought of the test waiting for her in the bathroom.

Gently moving House's arm from around her waist, she padded across the room and softly closed the bathroom door. It wasn't until she reached for the drawer that she realised she was holding her breath.

Barely a minute later she left the white test and her phone sitting on the counter, counting down the minutes until she would find out if her life would be changed forever.

She walked to the bed, sitting gently on House's side and leaning over to kiss his cheek. She loved watching him sleep, he looked so carefree and relaxed, something she wished he looked like more often.

"Hey" she shook his shoulder gently, getting a groan in response. "Come on House, wake up."

Still nothing.

"I took the test."

His eyes shot open, instantly alert. "What did it say?"

"I don't know yet, I'm still waiting…you wanted me to wake you."

"Yeah" he sat up slowly, hands going to his thigh to rub out the night's tension. He didn't know what to say, how to fill the heavy silence.

They sat together for a minute, until the soft beeping of the phone signalled the three minutes was up.

Cuddy didn't move.

"Moment of truth" House said, placing a hand on hers. "I can go get it if you'd like"

Cuddy shook her head. "No, no, it's ok. Your leg…it's ok. I'll be back." She stood and headed back to the bathroom.

She'd left the test face down, and after switching off the alarm she realised she couldn't have this moment alone, she wanted House to find out with her.

And so it was that she'd found herself back on the bed with House's arm around her.

One pink line. Negative.

Cuddy felt her breath catch in her throat and House's arm tighten around her. Her eyes started to water, and she turned into his shoulder, seeking comfort. For all her fears, she hadn't really considered how much she wanted this, how she had already started planning for this baby, her baby with House, a baby that didn't exist outside of her imagination.

House continued to hold her, hiding his own disappointment. He felt her tears through his t-shirt, despite her not making a sound. It felt like only a moment before she pulled herself upright, taking a deep breath and wiping her eyes.

When she stood and walked to her closet he finally broke the silence. "Where are you going?"

"Work, of course" Her voice was soft, and she didn't turn to answer him, just stared at her clothes as if it was any other morning of deciding what to wear- not the morning she felt her dreams be snatched away.

"No way." House was adamant. "You just spent the night and the morning crying, you barely slept and you've been through enough lately…you're not going in."

"The hospital needs…"

"The damn hospital can run without you for a day!" House knew he was bordering on irrational, but for once he didn't care. They needed this. "You can act as cool as you like, but you're in no condition to sit at your desk alone with your thoughts all day. Put yourself first for once Cuddy. Call in."

She looked into his eyes, and he saw just how deeply she was hurting. "I can't. I…I have to work. I have to do something…I need the distraction." And with that she disappeared into the bathroom to finish dressing.

House threw himself back down onto the bed, trying to push aside the feelings in his chest, feelings of disappointment and sadness. He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, fighting the urge to pull Cuddy down when she leant over to kiss him goodbye.

"I expect to see you in your office by lunch."

Once she'd gone he opened his eyes, staring at the ceiling like he did for so long the previous night.

He realised he's just as hurt as she is, that he wants this just as badly.

A family…with Cuddy. He smiled and reached for his phone.

Cuddy was at her desk, surrounded by pages of budget reports and a crushing feeling of sadness when her phone buzzed insistently. She smiled when she saw the short message.

 _We could try again. Could be fun ;) - H_


End file.
